Pairings
by 20 pounds of crazy
Summary: The team finds out about a web site in which stories about them are posted. Guess which site? and They learn about their pairings.. Eliot certainly gets around and Hardison cannot stop retching. Hopefully it amuses you. Enjoy.  not making fun of authors


**A/N: I don't mean to disrespect any of the writers/stories on this site. This just popped into my head. I think it would be funny to read about what they thought about the site and their pairings. I didn't mention anyone specifically, so don't think I mean anyone in general because I don't. **

"Please, guys. For the last time, we don't have a case today. Go home," Nate shouted at the four people invading his privacy. Eliot was drinking his last beer, Hardison had stocked the fridge with a year's supply of orange soda (again), Parker was testing his air ducts, and Sophie was raiding his closet.

"I bet I can find us a client," Hardison said. He was planning on taking over the team when Nate inevitably died of alcohol poisoning, so knew this was a good opportunity to practice. He grabbed one of his handy dandy computers, eleven of which were stored conveniently around the apartment, and started typing. The roof collapsing and Parker falling with it were interrupted by the sound of an obnoxious alarm.

"Bomb?" Sophie asked, eyes wide. She ran into the door in a desperate attempt to get away.

"You forgot to open the door, Sof" Nate said without looking. This was the third time this week. "Hardison, WTF is that noise? It's making me want to kill myself… Or at least Sophie."

"It's an alarm I set up to alert me if any of our cover IDs or stories of our cons are put on the internet. You're welcome, people, I know I am a genius," he said to the uncaring faces. "It just got a hit… Let's see. WTF is fan fiction?" He asked.

Before anyone could answer, his eyes grew wide and his face got really pale (if that's possible). "Oh no, oh lawd please help me" he hurled on the carpet.

"Hardison, not the carpet!" Nate scolded. Eliot and Parker were laughing and pointing their fingers at him. "Damn it. This cost me a pretty penny. What the hell?"

He was still retching on the floor. "I just read something. Really bad. I don't know if you can handle it."

"Hardison, just tell us before I have to beat it out of you," Eliot said, cracking his knuckles.

"Ok, ok calm down Chewbacca," he said. "There are like a lot of posts on this site about us. I don't know why we didn't find out earlier. I just read one where you and me were… together. As in smexytime."

Eliot's eyes grew wide, and he too ralphed. "Oh god, I'm definitely killing whoever wrote that. That's disgusting! Wow, I'm going to have nightmares."

Parker was laughing and Nate was deciding on whether to laugh, hit Sophie, or throw up. He chose to throw up, because everyone else was doing it.

Parker grabbed the laptop and looked at some of the other stories. "Ha ha! Me and Sophie are a couple!"

"What?" Sophie exclaimed, coming out of nowhere. "Parker, I would never date you. You're not my type. I like only partly attractive older men, preferably drunk and middle-aged." She then grabbed the laptop and grew appalled. "Nate! Are you really dating Eliot? I thought_ our_ relationship was implied in this storyline."

"Eliot? Hell no, although he _could _pass as a woman," Nate said.

"Well, it says you two kissed."

"Hey that was a one-time thing!" Eliot shouted. "Nate, you promised not to tell anyone! And Sophie, I will never kiss Nate. Never again…" he trailed off, a blank expression on his face.

"This is fun," Parker said. "Let's read more!" She looked for a moment, then got a disgusted look on her face. "Ew! Me and Nate! He's so old!"

"Hey, I'm 29," he lied. He just wanted to fit in. "I'm just mature for my age."

"This is so unfair," Sophie whined. "Why don't _I _get to be in a relationship with Nate? Everyone else does…"

"Maybe cause no one likes you," Hardison said. He recently recovered from the retching. He grabbed the laptop, and this time smiled. "Parker- you and me, girl. Hey, I guess this site isn't _that_ bad."

He scrolled down some more, and then grew mad. "Eliot and Parker? How does _that _work?"

"Dammit Parker!" Eliot yelled. "I told you to keep us a secret!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lemme get this straight. You were with Nate, and with Parker…" Hardison said. "What about Sophie?"

He started laughing. "Who would want to be with Sophie? No one likes her, anyways. Tara on the other hand, hell ya."

"OK I'll give you that one, nice work," Hardison said, fist bumping Eliot. "So back to this website… WTF? Why does Eliot get like a thousand stories about himself and I don't"

"Because," Eliot explained slowly, his accent becoming more distinguished, "everyone loves a southern draaaawl, darlin'." He winked at Hardison who looked at him with disgust.

"Man, who in their right minds would fall for that? I can _so_ tell it's fake" he said, looking to the others for agreement. All three were looking at Eliot with dreamy eyes- even Nate. "Oh, I get it. Eliot's the man ho of our team," he continued. "Hmm… Femme slash…" his eyes grew wide. "OK yeah this site is awesome."

"What does m slash m mean?" Parker asked grabbing the laptop out of his hands. After reading she curled into the fetal position "ah! Make it stop!"

"Who would write this stuff? It's just creepy… We should teach them a lesson" Eliot said, cracking his knuckles.

"I don't know who, but we're going to find out," Nate said. "Let's go steal us a web site."


End file.
